The female orgasm is a magical unicorn. It lasts longer than its male counterpart, and don’t necessarily have a recovery period like men, allowing for multiple, rolling orgasms that feel earth-shattering. But even through these orgasmic blessings, many women haven’t discovered the untapped potential of their bodies.
Masturbation reduces stress, increases confidence, and helps you get to know your body better. Unfortunately, the female orgasm has been badly neglected by both society and the media. Just the act of purchasing a sex toy is taboo and surrounded by shame when realistically, it’s very normal!
If you’re ashamed to be intimate with yourself or talk about it with others, dropping the stigma can help you satisfy your needs tenfold. It can also help you practice self-love, which we could all use a little more of.
Dildos aren’t the only toy out there
Self-intimacy is terrifying for some women because they’ve only seen it in the context of the male gaze – not their pleasure. Penetration is in no way the only form of masturbation to explore your body with. Most women are stimulated more by clitoral stimulation than penetrative. So instead of panicking at the XL dildos lining the shelves, perhaps shift your focus to vibrators, or suction toys like the Womanizer, which mimic oral pleasure. Learning patience and true relaxation are both important to understand what turns you on. Starting with your hands is a helpful way to practice and explore if you haven’t previously.
Just remember that the more intense a vibrator you go with, the most intense stimulation you’ll require each time. It won’t desensitize your lady bits – instead, it’ll just create a vigorous amount of stimulation to achieve orgasm the following times. Mix and match to see what works for you – it’s always good to have more than one option available. Even the friction of a pillow can do the trick sometimes.
It’s not cheating, and totally ok to use one after being with your partner
When you’re with a partner, it’s not all about the result. Many of us experience different kinds of orgasms when we’re on our own, and in no way does it take away from your intimacy with your partner. If you can build up to masturbating in front of a partner, it’s a sexy experience as well as a practice in self-confidence that we recommend trying at least once.
If you have a partner that makes you feel like playing with yourself is a form of infidelity, this is toxic behavior and a red flag. More than often, if you’re in a healthy relationship, they’ll see it as completely normal, and even a turn-on.
Use online resources, but don’t fall into a Google black hole
Googling “why can’t I orgasm” or “why am I ashamed to masturbate” might send you down a rabbit hole that isn’t the best for your mental health. Instead, go with trusted professionals and their websites, like MedAmour or OMGYes which can help you understand the nuances of your body better. These sites explain how to better instruct lovers on what you want, as well as figuring out the complexity of your desires, and how you can make them happen.
MedAmour has in-depth education on different sexual health conditions (and how to talk to your doctor about them), how to complete Kegel exercises, and how to choose between lubes and different intimacy toys. Best of all, they even sell their own massive range of products, from CBD lube to toys of all kinds. OMGYes focuses more on the science behind women’s pleasure using the wisdom of 20,000 women of all ages and giving us the tools and vocabulary to talk about our bodies.
Labia Library is also highly recommended. – it shows us that none of our genitals look the same, and shows a range of pictures and facts that will reassure you that your body is more than normal – it’s absolutely beautiful.
By online resources, we also mean porn. All types of different porn exist, and many pages offer a “For Women” category that’s not centered on the male gaze. Many women are freaked out by porn, but you’ll never know if it works until you try it!
It has a lot of health benefits
Masturbation releases pelvic engorgement encourages a more positive body image and strengthens your pelvic muscles. It can even help with insomnia and sex drive issues. This alone is proof that being intimate with yourself is the purest form of self-care, regardless of what anyone else has told you in their lives.
At the end of the day
There is no “correct way” to masturbate, but science shows that when you get the urge, acting on it can have a range of benefits for your mind, soul, and spirit. Not understanding our bodies or being able to speak frankly about them, as men do, has left women insecure and floundering for generations, without a true understanding of their bodies. The “birds and the bees” talk rarely includes masturbation, but it always should, because the most important sexual relationship a woman can have is with herself. Drop the stigma you might have been fed over the years, and remember that touching yourself is maybe the godliest thing you can do.
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