Table Manners from Hell

We’ve trained our dogs and even our cats so now we need to take it to the next level and train our men how to eat properly at the dinner table. For those of you lucky enough to be with a guy who has good table manners, this won’t apply to you; however, consider yourself lucky.

I happen to have a problem with men who don’t understand the proper use of eating utensils. There seems to be an epidemic going around of guys using fingers to push food onto forks and then licking them clean. Use the damn knife to accompany your fork and the napkin if you wish to wipe your fingers!

Belching and farting at the table are NOT acceptable and neither is picking food from teeth with fingers. Toothpicks are permissible only after leaving a restaurant.

How many dates have you gone out on where you were actually embarrassed by the person sitting across from you at the table? I can reiterate dozens of them but will share a few.

The Food on Tongue Incident:

I had a date with a successful attorney and looking forward to a nice evening in a Japanese restaurant. It was during the first course that I lost my appetite. Apparently, something foreign had gotten into his food. It could have been a hair, a fishbone, or any other foreign object but I never expected him to literally stick his tongue out and try and remove whatever it was with his fingers. I was forced to view his chewed food along with a clear view of his tonsils.” Hello! There is a napkin sitting right here on the table which should have been on your lap and the bathroom is to the rear!” It is bad enough to dine with a person who chews with his mouth open but this was unfathomable. Ugh! How can I escape this one? Needless to say, I wasn’t interested in eating the rest of my dinner as I had completely lost my appetite nor wasting any more of my time with a man who has the manners of a barnyard animal. Having been completely turned off, I conveniently became sick and needed to go home immediately. I hope his tongue has more success in the courtroom.

The Soup Slurper:

“Yum, this soup is delicious.. slurp, slurp.” The noise he made was worthy of a symphony. He also lowered his head down to the bowl and dribbled some of the liquid down his jowls on the way up. For the grand finale, he lifted the bowl up and drank down the rest.

The Meat Cutter:

Thank God he was not an associate of mine but sitting at another table where I was dining. My friends and I were fixated watching him devour a steak. He emulated a caveman back in time. Too lazy to use utensils, he lifted a large piece at a time to his mouth, bit off a chunk with his teeth, and dropped the rest back onto the plate. OMG! I have seen this before but never with meat. It seems to be most common while eating spaghetti.

The Olive Spitter:

While attending a party, a man tried to chat me up as he simultaneously attacked an olive dish on the cocktail table. Of course, we don’t swallow olive pits but spitting them out onto the plate is not acceptable. Will somebody please educate these guys? Step one: lift hand up to mouth in a coughing gesture. Step two: Deposit the pit down through fingers and onto the plate. Now that can’t be too difficult.

The Bread Stuffer:

I recall meeting a man for a first date at a restaurant. While waiting for our table he claimed to be starving and ordered a basket of bread followed by an encore. It was no surprise that by the time our table was ready he claimed that he was no longer hungry; however, let us give him credit for offering me dinner even though he wouldn’t be ordering. I realized that he was cheap and tacky but was so damn hungry that I decided to stay and make him pay. As you can well imagine he managed to dig deep into my plate with a spare fork. Of course, the cheapskate didn’t tip properly and it was not difficult to notice the waiter’s disdain.

I conclude that I prefer to share a can of tuna with my cats than brave fine dining with men who have no sophistication.

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