The Myth of The Older Man

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The older man.

So suave and self-assured. So wise in outlook and content with his position in life. And damn is he good in the bedroom, a maestro even, able to stroke the high notes that will make a young girl sing.

Older men absolutely bask in this reverence, this image that they’re the experienced Lothario preferred by younger women so tired of younger men who sit on the couch all day, playing “Assassin’s Creed 3”, and can’t afford a dinner more extravagant than the Ultimate Supreme Pizza from Little Caesars.

But there’s one thing wrong with this image. It’s a myth. Old guys probably made it up. It’s sort of like how the world once had used cars but then some ingenious dealer started calling them “pre-owned.”

That’s how it is with the older man. They’re not worthless geezers. They’ve been around the block. They know how to take care of a woman. They’re pre-loaned.

It’s worth noting that this isn’t meant to bring the hammer down on the older man, to discredit him, ridicule him, not even to pass judgment on him and his role in the evolution of today’s dating scene. Without a doubt, what guy over 50 doesn’t dream about the younger woman, or turn his head to glimpse her ass as it passes on the street, so pure and rapturous, spellbinding, honed to perfection, both cheeks swaying in perfect rhythm to the beat of . . . .

Oops. Sorry. I tend to get lost on Fantasy Island.

Anyhow, the point is that what we have here is an understandable physical reaction. It’s a sexual variation of Newton’s laws. A female ass that is in motion tends to stay in motion. An old guy capable of any kind of motion follows it.

The reality is that unless you’re actor Michael Douglas, able to hold on for dear life until Catherine Zeta-Jones finally starts to maneuver through menopause, the fairy-tale union of the older man and the younger woman likely isn’t going to end happily ever after. In terms of emotions, feelings and outlook, it’s a really wide chasm to bridge, especially for the older man.

You are viewed as society’s pariah, my friend.

Let’s consider some of the hurdles to making this relationship work.

Age is just a number

Regardless of what those relationship authors may tell you, age IS NOT just a number. A 20- or 30-year difference between you and your young hottie is huge, especially when it comes to compatibility, because you’re not going to see a lot of it.

Picture the scenario. Nice restaurant, intimate setting. Pricey bottle of wine. After all, you are suave and self-assured. You’re talking about amazing moments in history.

“Do you remember where you were when Neil Armstrong made his lunar walk in July 1969?” you ask.

“I’ve heard about it,” she says. “But as far as being born, I can tell you that my egg was nowhere near my mom’s fallopian tube in July of ’69.”

This is not good. And I’d say the odds are very strong that the moment you two leave the restaurant, the maitre ‘d is going to rush to the phone and call in an Amber Alert.

The parts just aren’t functioning

This is a fact of life for the older man. A sad fact. You are like a human Mr. Potato Head. Your parts get broken. Some get lost. You’re probably even a little potato-shaped yourself. And you know deep down that those stories of younger women titillated by screaming sexcapades with an experienced, all-night Romeo are just that, stories. You’re lacing your coffee with a few ounces of 5-Hour Energy. You’re gleeful when there’s an end to daylight saving time, simply because you can go to sleep an hour earlier. And you have to lie about sex. It’s OK for your young hottie to say not tonight, dear, I have a headache. But how do you tell her not tonight, dear, the doctor thinks I should give my new hip replacement another week to fuse.

They know you by name at CVS

You’re likely to be amazed by all of your young hottie’s credit cards that deliver cash-back rewards. She’s thinking of using them for a trip to Cancun. You don’t have any of those cards. In fact, you tell her, the only card you need is CVS Pharmacy’s Extra Care card, the nifty little red card that provides impressive discounts on so many of your pharmaceutical needs. That’s where you get your Just For Men hair coloring. Where you have your Viagra prescription filled. It’s also where you load up on your ginkgo biloba supplements — purely a preventive dose to ward off dementia — and pick up a Hallmark sympathy card for the family of your friend who just died of a heart artery that was 99 percent clogged.

Actually, you really shouldn’t tell your young hottie all this. Go get yourself a cash-back rewards card.

You are the envy of your friends

This is what they’ll tell you to your face. To hell with the conventions of society! You are the distinguished and worldly older man . . . debonair, urbane and appealing, so lucky to be banging a younger babe who was an infant when you were watching “The Cosby Show” on TV. More power to you!

But read between the lines. You’ll pick up the snarky comments of how your friends really feel.

“So what’s up for you guys on Saturday night . . . a Happy Meal and a movie?”

“You sure it’s a good idea to go dancing without checking whether the club has a defibrillator?”

Yes, such comments are rude. They are crass. But that’s also the dilemma of the older man dating the younger woman, not to mention the need to develop a thick skin to society’s barbs, although your friends might be right about one thing.

It probably wasn’t a smart move to trade your 2006 Taurus for that 426-horsepower Camaro. Even at 0 percent financing, the payments are a killer.