Finding a Soulmate Shouldn’t Be Your Mission in Life — Here’s Why

Since we were little girls, we’ve been fed this view that one perfect person is out there waiting to make all our dreams come true. But here’s a groundbreaking newsflash: you are your own soulmate. Expecting to find a romantic partner who checks all the boxes and meets all your unique needs isn’t only unrealistic – it’s unhealthy. While it’s never too late for love, what mature women should be focusing more on is seeing themselves and their friends as soulmates rather than pinning that label on a romantic partner.

An Act of Self-Love

Seeing yourself as your own soulmate is incredibly fulfilling, and it’s an affirming form of self-love that we could all use. If you’re a starry-eyed romantic, you might find this notion horrifying. But instead of focusing on what you’re lacking, why not focus on all the ways that you’re enough?

Traditionally, there’s an idea that a romantic soulmate will complete us. There’s also a heavy societal stigma about being single as an older woman. When words like “spinster” float your way, remember that you’re an empowered queen who stands strong on her own.

There’s nothing inherently better about being with a person. After all, when we raise our little girls, don’t we embed them with the belief that they can stand on their own two feet? You wouldn’t tell your daughter or little sister that she’s not worthy unless she gets married. Treat yourself with the same respect.

Your Happiness is Your Responsibility

Love is not something you wait for. And romantic love isn’t the only kind to fill your soul. Bonds between friends and family members are equally important. Your siblings can be your soulmates. A parent can be your soulmate. So can your best friends. Here’s a piece of tough love: happiness is your responsibility – not someone else’s.

Focusing too much on finding that happiness and love outside of yourself can actually hinder your personal development and stop you from growing.

As Oscar Wilde once said – “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Why search for someone else when you can discover yourself, the single person that will always have your back, no matter what? Being your own soulmate will teach you how to avoid codependent dynamics in your relationships, and help you learn healthy habits and boundaries.

Having someone to snuggle up to every night and share life’s experiences can be a valuable and precious addition to your life. But you can’t expect a person (no matter how lovely they are) to fix all your problems, show you your purpose, or erase your insecurities. Look in the mirror. Those demons will still be there until you fully get to know and accept yourself.

I’m a happily married woman, but I would never rely solely on my husband for that happiness. I actually never thought I would get married, because I love my independence so much. But being consciously single for a number of years helped me cultivate boundaries in my relationship and communicate the space I needed when I did take that dive to get married.

It also helped me realize that “soulmate stigma” can create a false notion that relationships are an easygoing fairytale and that your partner should be perfect. A belief in that soulmate label isn’t just a weighty pressure you’re putting on yourself – it’s unreasonable to your future partner. We’re all just regular humans trying to understand each other. But in order to do that, we have to find some true meaning in ourselves first.

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