Dear Lexie offers sound advice from the far left. She provides intuitive answers to questions ranging from common to provocative, for women in the third act of life. The meek may inherit the Earth, but the rest of us have to get some laughs while we’re here.

Dear Lexie — Scaredy On, Mary

Dear Lexie,

For the past twenty plus years, I have related better to men than to women, so my closest friends are all men. Recently, I’ve been getting the feeling that my best friend has romantic feelings towards me. He is always complimenting me, and when we see each other, he’s always touching me. I’m a widow, so it’s not that I’m not available, but I’m really reluctant to even consider moving from friendship, to romance with him. It would kill me to lose him as a friend. Should I take a chance on love, or ignore my suspicions, and pretend nothing has changed?

Scaredy Kat

Dear Scaredy Kat,

The clear answer is that you should totally ignore his obvious interest. Only bad things can come from two people, with a deep friendship, moving closer together physically. But, if on the other hand, you find yourself having some desirous feelings for him suddenly, you might consider the modern “friends with benefits” option. Let’s face it, the sexual desire part of a relationship is only temporary, and the goal is to be emotionally close anyway, so it seems like you two have skipped the sex part, and already moved into the long-term relationship part. May as well see if he can curl your toes, if nothing is on the television tonight, though.

Dear Lexie,

My neighbor is driving me nuts! I live in a condominium, and while our building isn’t that old, I guess the walls are thin, because I can hear everything he does. And I mean everything! From his bathroom habits, to screaming at people on the phone, to his sex life. I spoke with him about keeping it down, and he laughed at me. I asked the complex manager to speak with him, and she essentially refused. If I were in a rented apartment, I would just move, but I sunk every penny I had into buying this place, and now I’m stuck! I don’t know what else to try- help!

On The Edge

Dear On The Edge,

Good news, flights to Siberia are cheap right now! You can just ship him off. Do you have a fake online account under which you can order duct tape, rope, and chloroform? Darn, I just realized that “big brother” is probably watching for that type of activity these days. Well, my other suggestion would be to just grab your biggest pair of pliers, knock on his door, grab his nuts in a vice-grip, and politely ask him once again, to keep it the hell down. It’s amazing how cooperative men can be when they’re staring potential castration in the face.

Dear Lexie,

After 44 years as a secretary at a utility company, I have just retired. My husband (now deceased) and I raised three sons, and I have five grandchildren, with another on the way. We all live near each other, and now that I am retired, my daughters-in-law are asking me to be more involved with the grandchildren, and even to babysit. I love them, but the problem is, that I have a touch of autism, so I am easily overwhelmed. When I worked at my job, everything was the same, day in and day out, for years. Change was slow, and I was able to adapt at my own pace. I fear that if I watch the children for them, I am going to get overwhelmed and I won’t be able to handle it. And I’ll let them down. My kids don’t know that I have autism, and I don’t know how they’ll react if I tell them.

Mary In Michigan

Dear Mary In Michigan,

Without knowing anything else, it’s probably safe to say that you’re kids know you’ve got autism. No one stays at a job for 44 years anymore- that’s a big red flag. However, on the off chance that they don’t know, I suggest that you tell them. If they want you to babysit, you’ll have to tag-team it with someone else, like a friend, or that hunky neighbor you’ve had your eye on for the last few year. Either your kids will be cool, and helpful, or they’ll be jerks, and you can cut them out of your will, leaving everything to your, still en utero, newest grandkid on the way. Their choice.

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